Whakapapa & Tamariki
Pauline Gray
9/16/20266 min read
This time around, we took our three younger babies back home for many different reasons.
But during this trip, whakapapa became one of the biggest things for us.
We went home wanting our babies to reconnect with their whānau, to spend time with the people they whakapapa to and to create memories with people they don’t get to see every day.
But somewhere along the way, we found ourselves learning too.
During this trip, we learnt more about our whakapapa than we ever have before.
And I don’t think we realised before going home just how important that would become.
We Were Learning Alongside Our Tamariki
There is something humbling about realising that even as adults, there is still so much to learn about where we come from.
We heard names we wanted to remember.
We listened to stories.
We learnt more about how different people in our whānau connect.
We visited places connected to our whānau and learnt more about the people who came before us.
Conversations that may have once seemed like ordinary whānau conversations suddenly meant so much more.
It made me realise that whakapapa isn’t something you learn once and suddenly know everything about.
There are always more layers.
More stories.
More connections.
More people to sit with and listen to.
And this time, our babies were right there with us while we were learning.
That meant something to me.
Because we weren’t taking them home pretending we had all the answers.
We were discovering more of our story together.
Reconnecting With Whānau
One of the biggest reasons for taking our three younger babies home was reconnecting them with whānau.
Living across the water means they don’t get the everyday connection we wish they could have.
They don’t always get the random visits.
The sitting around the table.
The cousins running around together.
The aunties and uncles popping in.
The conversations that happen when whānau simply sit together.
Technology keeps us connected, but being physically together is different.
Our babies may still be young, but we wanted them to experience that.
We wanted them to recognise faces and hear the names of the people they’re connected to.
We wanted them to be cuddled, loved on and surrounded by whānau.
Because whakapapa may explain how we’re connected, but relationships are built through time spent together.
The Stories Become Different When You’re There
There were moments during this trip where things started connecting differently for me.
When you hear the names of your tūpuna while sitting with whānau, it feels different.
When someone tells you a story about a person you descend from, you listen differently.
When you’re shown where your whānau lived or where different parts of your family come from, those places suddenly carry more meaning.
You start putting pieces together.
And sometimes you realise just how much you didn’t know.
For me, there was something really special about experiencing that with our tamariki beside us.
They might not remember every story right now.
They might not understand why Mama was asking so many questions or why certain conversations meant so much.
But one day, we can tell them:
You were there while we were learning this too.
Our Tamariki Gave Us Another Reason to Learn
Having children changes the way you think about whakapapa.
Before, there may have been things I wanted to know simply for myself.
Now I think about what happens after me.
What will my tamariki know?
What stories will they be able to tell?
Will they know the names of the people who came before them?
Will they understand how their whānau connect?
Will they know that their story started long before they were born?
Those questions make learning our whakapapa feel even more important.
Because the things we learn today are things we can pass down tomorrow.
Every name we remember.
Every photograph we keep.
Every story we listen to.
Every connection we make.
It becomes something our tamariki don’t have to start searching for from nothing when they’re older.
Whakapapa Is Living
This trip reminded me that whakapapa isn’t just names written down on a family tree.
It’s living.
It’s sitting beside your whānau and hearing stories you’ve never heard before.
It’s someone pointing at your child and telling you exactly which whānau member they remind them of.
It’s understanding why certain places mean so much.
It’s recognising pieces of yourself in people you may not see often.
It’s asking questions.
It’s listening.
It’s reconnecting.
And sometimes, it’s discovering parts of yourself you didn’t even realise you were missing.
Whānau, Boundaries & Protecting Our Peace
Something else this journey continues to teach me is the importance of boundaries.
I love my whānau deeply, but I have also learnt that sharing whakapapa with someone doesn’t automatically mean they get unlimited access to me, my home or my peace.
Never be afraid to put your boundaries up.
At the end of the day, you are the one who has to return home and live with the energy you have allowed into your space.
Your home should be somewhere you feel safe.
Somewhere you can breathe.
Somewhere your tamariki feel loved and protected.
Somewhere peace lives.
And if someone continuously shows that they don’t care, don’t acknowledge you or only bring disruption into that space, you don’t have to keep opening the door simply because they’re whānau.
Some people can stay outside of the boundaries you’ve created.
And I’m okay with that.
I’m that person who can love you, acknowledge that we share whakapapa and still leave you exactly where you are if protecting my whānau requires it.
That doesn’t mean there is hate in my heart.
It means I’ve learnt what deserves access to my life.
Whakapapa connects us, but boundaries protect us.
Both can exist at the same time.
My Whānau Will Always Come First
At this stage of my life, my whānau will always be my priority.
My husband.
Our babies.
The home and life we’ve created together.
They come before the noise outside of it.
Because one day, this house that feels so full right now is going to be quiet.
Our babies are going to grow up.
They’re going to chase their dreams, build their own lives and eventually create whānau of their own.
They won’t always need Mama and Dad in the way they do today.
One day there won’t be little feet running through the house.
There won’t be everyone calling out “Mum” at the same time.
There won’t be the same mess, noise, arguments, laughter and everyday chaos that fills our home now.
And eventually, it’ll just be me and my husband looking around at a much quieter home, probably wondering how all those years went by so quickly.
So for now?
I’m enjoying their presence.
I’m enjoying the noise.
I’m enjoying having them close.
I’m enjoying this season before it becomes a memory.
Because I’ve realised that being present with the people who genuinely love you is far more important than exhausting yourself trying to keep people around who don’t.
We Came Home Knowing More
We didn’t come away from this trip knowing everything.
If anything, learning more has made us want to know even more.
But we came away knowing more than when we arrived.
More about our people.
More about our connections.
More about the generations before us.
And more about what we want to make sure our tamariki know as they grow.
This trip wasn’t only about taking our babies home to see whānau.
It became part of our own whakapapa journey too.
We were reconnecting our tamariki while reconnecting ourselves.
We were teaching while learning.
Listening while remembering.
Creating new memories while discovering stories that existed generations before us.
And somewhere amongst all of that, I was reminded of what matters most to me.
Whakapapa. Whānau. Our tamariki. Our home. Our peace.
One day our babies will be old enough to ask their own questions.
And when they do, I hope we can sit with them and share everything we’ve learnt.
And if there are things we still don’t know, we’ll keep learning together.
Because whakapapa isn’t only about looking backwards.
It’s about knowing those who came before us, being present with those beside us and thinking about those who will come after us.
For now, I am going to soak up every moment of this loud, busy, beautiful season of our lives.
Because one day our babies will leave our home to create homes of their own.
Until then, they are my priority, my presence and my reminder to protect the peace we’ve created around them.
And when that quiet house eventually comes?
It’ll be me and my husband, looking back at everything we created together and knowing we gave this season everything we had.
love
Pai xxx
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